I really appreciate how you portray various bad guys as also wronged and also motivated by love for their families, yet without making us hate them the less. You don’t run them in the victim Olympics.
You certainly make us feel bad for them at some points. We can appreciate that they’ve suffered injustices. We certainly never get the feeling that therefore their behavior is thereby justified.
I really enjoyed this chapter, especially Ŏlo Hin’s backstory and the final confrontation. As a reader, two moments stood out to me: the recognition with the yellow-cloaked man felt a little rushed, and I found myself wishing for a beat or two of buildup like the scout noticing something off, or Ŏlo Hin realizing he’s been recognized before the name is spoken; just to heighten the suspense.
And There’s a line that really stood out to me. “But they were only women and children.” I understand this is Ŏlo Hin’s warped thinking, but because the narration stays so close to his POV, I briefly wondered if some readers might read it as neutral rather than intentional exposure of his mindset. A small cue like “he told himself” or a subtle undercutting detail might help make that distinction clearer.
I’m glad my notes will be useful for your final edit. If at any point you’d like a more in-depth critique or focused feedback on key aspects of the story, I’d be happy to help; just let me know if that would be valuable? :)
Interesting to see a bit of background on Ŏlo Hin. His fate was probably sealed since the odious Sivo Hin is his Dad, but he's got at least some vaguely nobler impulses, even if he does murder people for laughing at him. He's a skilled warrior, loyal, efficient, and cold-blooded. Yikes. Not fun at parties.
I really appreciate how you portray various bad guys as also wronged and also motivated by love for their families, yet without making us hate them the less. You don’t run them in the victim Olympics.
You certainly make us feel bad for them at some points. We can appreciate that they’ve suffered injustices. We certainly never get the feeling that therefore their behavior is thereby justified.
"Why do you all cast away the sword and not the arm that wielded it?" such a strong closer I love it!!
Crisp writing and great pacing. Excellent.
Thank you!
Ŏlo Hin is a thoroughly detestable man, a true mercenary.
I really enjoyed this chapter, especially Ŏlo Hin’s backstory and the final confrontation. As a reader, two moments stood out to me: the recognition with the yellow-cloaked man felt a little rushed, and I found myself wishing for a beat or two of buildup like the scout noticing something off, or Ŏlo Hin realizing he’s been recognized before the name is spoken; just to heighten the suspense.
And There’s a line that really stood out to me. “But they were only women and children.” I understand this is Ŏlo Hin’s warped thinking, but because the narration stays so close to his POV, I briefly wondered if some readers might read it as neutral rather than intentional exposure of his mindset. A small cue like “he told himself” or a subtle undercutting detail might help make that distinction clearer.
Thank you for your notes, I'll be sure to keep them in mind when it comes time to do the final edit.
I’m glad my notes will be useful for your final edit. If at any point you’d like a more in-depth critique or focused feedback on key aspects of the story, I’d be happy to help; just let me know if that would be valuable? :)
Interesting to see a bit of background on Ŏlo Hin. His fate was probably sealed since the odious Sivo Hin is his Dad, but he's got at least some vaguely nobler impulses, even if he does murder people for laughing at him. He's a skilled warrior, loyal, efficient, and cold-blooded. Yikes. Not fun at parties.