“His mood seemed to have improved since they had discovered the murdered Sengí family the evening before last.“ This sounds as if the discovery itself made him happier. Is that intended? If not perhaps you could say his mood had recovered from it somewhat or something like that.
Watch out for comma splices. I’ve noticed several and I’ll try to point them out going forward. :) :)
Hino Son seemed impervious to the cold, not even his cheeks were flushed as Nŏl’s were.
I noticed that when I was glancing over that chapter the other day. Sometimes you have to come back to something to see it. I'll find a clean way to clarify it at some point, certainly.
(True, but in my defense I do that with commas entirely because I try hard not to "overuse" semicolons. I prefer a nice neat semicolon, but I know that I am in the minority there and a comma can stylistically provide the same linguistic flow.)
Semicolons are so useful! They create such a nice three-quarter pause in the mind.
Oh, so you’re doing the comma splices deliberately? Interesting concept. I’ve experimented with the use of punctuation pretty extensively while I was writing sonnets. It’s a very underestimated tool which writing such a compressed form forced you to appreciate. You can really do precise and subtle things with punctuation. It’s delightful to play with.
From an outside reader‘s perspective, unfortunately I don’t think the comma splices actually achieved what you wanted. What I got was a muddled sense of aimless forward motion. I think that’s because the comma is traditionally used to link phrases in which the words themselves convey the logical link between the two thoughts (perhaps by means of a conjunction.) Therefore in the case of a comma splice, the brain is left looking for the word expressing the link and not finding it. Five times over the past few chapters I found myself hitting your comma splice and actually rereading the sentence for the word I missed and then supplying the logical link myself. It kept jolting me of the story for a few seconds, causing a noticeable hitch in what is otherwise a very gripping and immersive reading experience. I’m usually so lost in your story I don’t know who I am.
By contrast, colons, semicolons and em-dashes actually replace the very words conveying the logical connection (like because, therefore, so, although, etc). I bring it up because the logical connection is baked right into the punctuation, so the brain doesn’t expect more clarification and won’t waste time looking for it.
Would you consider the em—dash for this instance? Thus: Hino Son seemed impervious to the cold—not even his cheeks were flushed as Nŏl’s were. This is a very bold and immediate-feeling causal connection. Another option to have around for variety.
I hope all this business isn’t too tiresome. I just want my experience of your work to be useful to you. The dreth are in the details.
Not tiresome at all! This isn't really the point at which I would dial in punctuation, however. When I complete the final draft I'll make those considerations. In today's more grammatically "free form" language, there is some room for experimentation. Your notes are interesting! And I'll keep them in mind when I reach that point. As I will all the notes I receive from readers. But I don't want to make hasty choices at this stage. I need to give the ideas time to percolate.
“His mood seemed to have improved since they had discovered the murdered Sengí family the evening before last.“ This sounds as if the discovery itself made him happier. Is that intended? If not perhaps you could say his mood had recovered from it somewhat or something like that.
Watch out for comma splices. I’ve noticed several and I’ll try to point them out going forward. :) :)
Hino Son seemed impervious to the cold, not even his cheeks were flushed as Nŏl’s were.
I noticed that when I was glancing over that chapter the other day. Sometimes you have to come back to something to see it. I'll find a clean way to clarify it at some point, certainly.
(True, but in my defense I do that with commas entirely because I try hard not to "overuse" semicolons. I prefer a nice neat semicolon, but I know that I am in the minority there and a comma can stylistically provide the same linguistic flow.)
Semicolons are so useful! They create such a nice three-quarter pause in the mind.
Oh, so you’re doing the comma splices deliberately? Interesting concept. I’ve experimented with the use of punctuation pretty extensively while I was writing sonnets. It’s a very underestimated tool which writing such a compressed form forced you to appreciate. You can really do precise and subtle things with punctuation. It’s delightful to play with.
From an outside reader‘s perspective, unfortunately I don’t think the comma splices actually achieved what you wanted. What I got was a muddled sense of aimless forward motion. I think that’s because the comma is traditionally used to link phrases in which the words themselves convey the logical link between the two thoughts (perhaps by means of a conjunction.) Therefore in the case of a comma splice, the brain is left looking for the word expressing the link and not finding it. Five times over the past few chapters I found myself hitting your comma splice and actually rereading the sentence for the word I missed and then supplying the logical link myself. It kept jolting me of the story for a few seconds, causing a noticeable hitch in what is otherwise a very gripping and immersive reading experience. I’m usually so lost in your story I don’t know who I am.
By contrast, colons, semicolons and em-dashes actually replace the very words conveying the logical connection (like because, therefore, so, although, etc). I bring it up because the logical connection is baked right into the punctuation, so the brain doesn’t expect more clarification and won’t waste time looking for it.
Would you consider the em—dash for this instance? Thus: Hino Son seemed impervious to the cold—not even his cheeks were flushed as Nŏl’s were. This is a very bold and immediate-feeling causal connection. Another option to have around for variety.
I hope all this business isn’t too tiresome. I just want my experience of your work to be useful to you. The dreth are in the details.
Not tiresome at all! This isn't really the point at which I would dial in punctuation, however. When I complete the final draft I'll make those considerations. In today's more grammatically "free form" language, there is some room for experimentation. Your notes are interesting! And I'll keep them in mind when I reach that point. As I will all the notes I receive from readers. But I don't want to make hasty choices at this stage. I need to give the ideas time to percolate.
Thank you!
Crowd source editor lol
"... the snapping of a single twig..." Excellent.
OMGG?!?!?!?!? DON'T TELL ME ITS ACTUALLY WHO I THINK IT ISS– SO GA RUNNN